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Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Lagos, Antares Prime.
Dear Sir/Madam/Other,
I am Kla’atu, eldest son of the late president of the Antarean Planetary Alliance. You may be aware of the financial dispute between my family and the present civilian Government.
Which is why, my good friend, I am asking for your humble and confidential assistance to take custody of AT$ 30,000,000 (THIRTY MILLION ANTAREAN DOLLARS) which my late father secretly deposited off planet. Myself and my mother will give 20% to the fellow helping us claim this very big consignment.
This letter will come to you as big surprise but rest assured, dear friend, your status as capable Godly personality is prominently listed in many Alliance directories. Hence I deem it fit to confide in you.
I am presently in refugee camp here on Antares Prime and can be reached on V-mail:
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Now, be advised, my friend, that in line with our operational master plan for this our mutual benefit business, your utmost confidentiality and secrecy is highly required.
My warmest regards to you and your many families,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars,
Little Sowerby,
ENGLAND.
Dear Mr. Atu,
I was very surprised to receive your V-mail. Even more surprised to hear that my name is well known on Antares Prime, never having visited your fine planet.
Where exactly is the money located? I fear unless it is very close to Little Sowerby, my assistance will prove of little help. I don’t get about much since my retirement and rural public transport is not what it used to be.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear friend Patrick,
Top of the day and thank you very much for V-mail received.
Rest assured that the little Sowerby is indeed very very close to Security Company where money is held. So close, my friend Patrick, that all business can be transacted from the insides of your very comfortable home.
Please, my good friend, assist us in this our mutual benefit business. 20% of THIRTY MILLION ANTAREAN DOLLARS will find you a very big man in little Sowerby.
Looking forward to receiving your many hands of co-operation,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars,
Dear Mr. Atu,
Thank you for your kind assurances. If the gossip in the village shop is correct, six million Antarean dollars would indeed find me several very large men in Little Sowerby.
Consider my hands of co-operation pointing in your direction.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
My dear friend Patrick,
Your hands have been received and shaken many times. My mother is joyous and my father’s head smiles from the spike above the Presidential gates.
Now be advised, my friend, that in line with our operational master plan I am now requiring your bank account details for speedy transfer of my father’s very big money.
In return I will grant you the Power of Anthony. Business starts from there. I will tell my contact at Security Company that you truly wield the Power of Anthony over the money and he will commence swifty proceedings of transfer.
Your hands gratefully received, shaken and returned,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
I fear we have a problem as I no longer have a bank account, the last bank in the village having closed thirty years ago.
Would it be possible for the Security Company to give me the money in cash? Not knowing the size and denomination of Antarean notes, would thirty million fit inside a small gentleman’s briefcase?
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower.
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear friend Patrick,
I have talked with my contact fellow at Security Company and he say if he bribe certain peoples with cash they will be turning the blonde’s eye to your missing bank account. Small gentleman’s briefcase not a problem where I come from.
But, my dear friend, there is ointment on my flies. The civilian Government, whose hatred of my family is deeper than several large throssets, have stolen all my cash.
Please, my good friend, could you be sending me some of your money to give contact fellow? AT$ 5,000 (FIVE THOUSAND ANTAREAN DOLLARS) should be enough.
May your progeny be compact and easily stacked,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
Thank you for your kind wishes regarding my progeny.
I am sorry to say that Antarean dollars are not very common in Little Sowerby. I have pounds sterling and some Spanish pesetas I found in an old pair of trousers. Will they do? Perhaps if you tell me the current exchange rate vis a vis the pound and the Antarean dollar I could be of more help?
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower.
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear friend Patrick,
I have had many words with my contact fellow and he say Sterling very fine currency and would like 5,000 (FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS OF STERLING) Please send them to me at BOX no. LAGOS 419, the United Planets Refugee Camp and the Power of Anthony will be yours.
Warm regards from very deep places,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
Apologies for the slight delay in replying but I find myself in somewhat of a moral dilemma. Excited as I am at the prospect of holding within my hands the blessed Power of Anthony, I am troubled about the bribery aspect.
Should I be involving myself and others in the perpetration of a sin? I think not. But neither should I prevent the reunification of a family and its missing fortune.
I have spoken at length about this matter with my priest, Father O’Rory, and he has suggested a minor alteration to our operational master plan. Why not offer the men a percentage of the eventual proceeds? According to the highest fiscal authorities in the Vatican, the payment then becomes a commission and not a bribe.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower.
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear friend Patrick,
What is this that you are doing? Did I not advise you, good friend, that in line with our mutual benefit this business must be very very top secret. Who is this priest?
I am sad to be telling you that Security Company fellows have no ears for the big picture. We offer them AT$200k commission and they spit in our very nostrils saying five thousand pounds of sterling now or no operational master plan.
Please send 5,000 sterlings soon. These peoples are becoming very angry and may ask for 10,000 tomorrow.
Your trusted and very good friend,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
Thank you for your prompt reply. First let me lay aside your concerns re: Father O’Rory. He is bound by the rules of the confessional. Wild horses, of which there are very few in Little Sowerby, could not drag a single word from his lips.
As for your Security Company fellows, I will offer to pay them £50k (FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS OF STERLING) on the successful completion of our operational master plan.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower.
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear friend Patrick,
Why are you not understanding what I am telling you? These Security Company fellows say money now. Please, good friend, send 5,000 sterlings fast. These peoples are becoming impotent.
Your very good friend,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
We have a problem.
Father O’Rory was discussing the finer points of Vatican policy with the bishop over drinks last night when a mishap occurred. Apparently, one bottle of White Horse was able to achieve what several wild horses could not.
The bishop knows all and is demanding £10,000 in gold. Apparently he does not trust currency – possibly something religious, although neither the good father nor I could trace the reference.
Unfortunately, as a British citizen, I cannot hold large sums of gold without a license. Please send £15,000 in gold at once. I can then pay the bishop and send your Security Company fellows £5,000 by return.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower.
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear friend Patrick,
My hearts are blackened by your news. But please, my good friend, offer the bishop AT$1M in GOLD as gratification to be taken from expenses after successful conclusion of our operational master plan.
In the meantime, please send 5,000 cash sterlings. Security Company fellows now very very impotent.
Your good friend,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
I fear the bishop must be related to your Security Company fellows for he has turned down your generous offer of one million Antarean dollars in gold.
Please send £15,000 in gold as soon as possible. I have discussed the matter at length with Father O’Rory and we both agree that the bishop is the bigger danger to our plans. Once we have placated him then we can sort out your Security Company fellows – I believe there are tablets for that sort of thing.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower.
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear friend Patrick,
What is this you are telling me! I offer you the Power of Anthony and all you talk about is gold! My mother she say maybe you not the man to champion a business of such magnitude. Please, my good friend Patrick, think of your many families. You must follow my instructions. Send 5,000 sterlings or my mother will wash her hairs with you.
Offer bishop another AT$1M in gold, which I am offering you from my own parentage.
Your good friend,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
Father O’Rory conveyed your most generous offer to the bishop this morning and, I am relieved to say, he accepted.
You can imagine my elation at the news. As, no doubt, you can imagine my shock when I received a visit from the Sisters of Perpetual Vigilance – a covert order of warrior nuns reporting directly to the Vatican. Apparently they’ve been investigating the bishop for weeks and recorded all his conversations with the good father.
I fear the game is up. The sisters do not appear to be open to bribery, or commission, and worse - they are not a silent order.
We have but one hope. Father O’Rory has a contact in Jesuit Special Ops. If he can intercede on our behalf we may yet be able to proceed as planned.
I will keep you informed.
Yours sincerely,
Mr. Patrick Flower.
oOo
Kla’atu,
United Planets Refugee Camp
Dear Patrick,
Why are you not sending me this money I asked you? Why you listen to these women?
Send money now. If 5,000 sterlings too big, send what you have and I will have plenty words with Security Company fellows and make them understand the problem you are having with your sisters.
Yours as always,
Kla’atu
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
I have talked at length with Sister Malevola and she desires neither money nor gold.
Do you have any fragments of the true cross on Antares Prime? I fear not but, unfortunately, Sister Malevola has got it into her head that you may. She is on her way to find you with a score of space-faring warrior nuns. Even as I write, I hear the strike of hammer on beatified metal as they construct their star ship on the village green.
However there is one ray of hope. Father O’Rory’s contact in the Jesuits has assured us he can have Sister Malevola recalled. But only if we help him. Apparently, during an audit at the Vatican Bank he discovered a dormant account belonging to the late Stig Mata, the Swedish head of the infamous P2 Masonic lodge, who died ten years ago in mysterious circumstances. There are two billion unclaimed euros (TWO BILLION; LOTS OF ZEROS) awaiting Mr. Mata’s next of kin.
Could you be that person, Mr. Atu? Father O’Rory’s contact can provide the necessary documentation but we need someone off planet. Someone we can trust. Someone capable of executing an operational master plan of extreme cunning.
Please send details of your bank account and I’ll start proceedings forthwith.
Your very good friend,
Mr. Patrick Flower
oOo
Mr. Patrick Flower,
The Cedars.
Dear Mr. Atu,
I hope there is not a problem. It’s been eight days since I heard from you last. The Sister’s star ship is almost finished. The good father calls every day from the Vatican.
Mr. Atu?
Mr. Atu?
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