INTERNATIONAL KITTENS OF MYSTERY

Four: Combat

This week's lessons focus on the noble – and sometimes sneaky – art of self-defense. First up we have Xena demonstrating ‘The Unexpected Neck Bite.’

A devastating maneuver in the right paws, this stratagem relies on low cunning, surprise, and picking the right target. The best targets being the gullible, the star-struck, and the well behaved. Young Kai qualifies on all three counts.

First, you tell your mark to sit very still and look at the camera. Tell him it’s an important photo shoot. Then, while his brain is distracted by thoughts of a future modeling career – maybe even a move to the catwalks of Milan – the cunning kitten strikes.

Of course there are repercussions for using such a maneuver.

Even a well-behaved kitten will want instant and disproportionate revenge.

Here's a useful tip for those moments – and we all have them – when you're pinned to the floor having your leg bitten. It's called ‘The Xena’ and it's a must for all warrior kittens.

First, bring up your back legs ready to push your assailant off. Second, and this is where the move gets its name, you throw your head and ears back, open your mouth as wide as it will go ... then flex that spine, spring forward and let loose your warrior yell in the nearest eardrum of your assailant.

As the deafened foe's grip relaxes, you catapult him or her off with your back legs.

And quickly pin them.

Here we see Xena demonstrating the artful use of one’s surroundings. As Kai approaches, she swiftly constructs a fort out of empty boxes she'd seen lying on the floor earlier. Note the precision of her work and how a three box fort can defeat even the stretchiest cat.

Finally, we have Kai demonstrating the noble art of self-defense as written down by the Marquis of Queensbury's cat, Tyson.

Note the perfect guard: left paw tucked in to protect the chin, right paw preparing to jab, knees flexed ready to pounce. Only an illegal tail tug could breach this defense.

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